Tuesday, August 02, 2005

i've had chocolate exactly once in the past 120 hours


Wednesday night, Snufkina and I went out because I was feeling all sad and lonely and so on, as I mentioned last week. After I'd dried up from throwing a bit of a jag in her truck, we went into Cafe Abir (and yes, the sandwiches really are good) and talked about a book she's reading called The Mood Cure. The author's all into amino acids and butter instead of margarine (I can completely live with that) and using foods and supplements instead of meds to regulate one's brain chemistry.

I haven't been, as an adult, generally a depressive person. I go through swings, of course, but they rarely last. Lately, though, I just can't seem to pull myself out. I have days where all I want to do is sleep and cry. I'm not mentioning it because I want or need anyone to feel bad for me, and lord knows I don't want to fall into the "I'm so depressed!" blog trap. But it's scientifically interesting, sort of trying to watch from the outside as this happens. Is it chemical, or is it situational? Could one be triggering the other? I forget sometimes that I actually have some pretty sad stuff going on in my life, and that it's completely valid to be down. The way I represent myself to myself does not allow for "weakness", and being sad just because I've lost my father and have this massive unrequited love seems...weak...sometimes.

I am not patient with myself about these things. I am patient with other people about them, or at least I'd like to think that I am, but not with myself.

Anyway. You see where I am. Well, there's another issue, and it may have more bearing than I realize. Namely, I've been eating really poorly lately. It's a lot easier to buy crack than cukes in this neighborhood, and I've been distracted anyway and not inspired to cook often. So I'm eating a lot of starch (did you think I was going to say crack?) and a lot of chocolate. And not even good chocolate, with the bioflavinoids and so on; no. Cheap, trashy chocolate. I'm so ashamed.

Is it any wonder that I've been listless and cranky? According to the book, I've been squandering my serotonin and need to build it back up, along with a bunch of other chemicals running around in the squishy stuff. Allegedly this is possible through eating carefully and taking supplements that sound like something you use to clean the engine block of your car; GABA and 5-HTP and god knows what all else.

I'm starting small. Just cutting out refined sugar, caffeine, and wheat. Yeah, small. Ha! I was talking to one of my troupemates tonight, and I mentioned that I'd been without refined sugar for a few days. Are you having withdrawal? she asked. Is that what this headache is about? I responded. I honestly hadn't thought about what I was in for, I'd just decided, after talking to Snufkina, to keep walking past the open (candy) windows. But yes, I guess I am having some withdrawal symptoms. Weird.

Now, I want to be perfectly clear: I have not gone all Atkins (neither, incidentally, have the Germans). Even if it turns out that bread is dangerous for reasons I never thought about.