Wednesday, August 17, 2005

i want my pound of flesh

Scientists are working on growing meat in the lab. If they figure it out, this is going to raise some real issues for vegetarians.

I have to admit, as opposed to Frankenfood as I am, this is really appealing. If they can take the samples from which to grow the cloned meat without hurting the animal. Clean, disease-free meat that doesn't require acres of stinking feedlots, water subsidies, and animal suffering? Sign me up.

This could knock the market for some endangered or threatened species on its ear. How about vat-grown whale, for example? Get all those fisherfolk who are complaining about losing their jobs to the Endangered Species Act retrained, and give them safe, clean jobs in the whale factories. If they find a way to grow flesh with fur, that would be awesome too: lovely soft fur coats for everyone, and no seals or minks or foxes getting brained or electrocuted for them!

And there's another possibility that will doubtless make the sensitive shudder, and cement my reputation as a Godless pinko commie bra-burning lezzie Jew witch out to destroy everything America stands for, but stay with me for a sec. Right now the law-abiding citizen's only chance to taste human flesh is Hufu, the Healthy Human Flesh Alternative. Allegedly this tofu product is so popular that you can't currently buy any until they make more, and have to satisfy yourself with T-shirts, aprons, and Hannibal Lecter DVD's off the Web site.

Now think about what we could do with a vat, a few millimeters of, oh, say, Brendan Fraser, and a CostCo sized jar of barbecue sauce.

Mm-mm good!

Note: the cow pictured is fiberglass. Not tasty.