Monday, February 21, 2005

this may be a relief to some of you

Who are sick and tired of reading about MonkeyScientist. But as much as I love him--and make no mistake, I do, unshakably and to the bottom of my cold and wrinkled little heart--I probably won't be blogging about him, or at least my feelings about him, directly for a while. Thanks to Statcounter it has come to my attention that at least one of the someones he's seeing in Berlin is apparently reading Waterbones. Knowing that she joins his ex-wife (yes J, I know, and have known since before Christmas. He didn't tell me, I figured out your IP address) in the group of those who now know more about me and my feelings about him than I do about them and theirs is simply too much for my comfort level.

I have tried to be cool about this. I have. He should absolutely be dating, and I'm happy for him that he is, even if I'm terribly jealous that other people get to spend time with him and I don't. I am looking at my options as well, and some attractive ones have presented themselves. I may or may not talk about those as they unfold, if indeed they do--which they may not, considering my rehearsal schedule for the next month!

That is not the problem. A year and a bit dating AX taught me a lot about people's capability to have meaningful contact with more than one partner at a time, and I do understand that what happens between MS and other people has no more bearing on how he feels about me than if our situations were reversed. We were friends for quite a while before we were lovers, and neither of us are willing to let go of that.

The problem is that I'm feeling really exposed, in a way that hasn't happened here before. Talking about my dad dying, or my feelings about a great many sad or unsavory or childish things, has been hard but worthwhile because I've been trying to get across a certain universality of experience. I have wanted, if at all possible, to make other people who are going through any of the same things feel like there is a way through. And if I can't do that, at least hopefully I've made some people laugh who needed it.

But the twin fears that someone is either a) using my blog to beat herself up or b) checking out the competition make me hesitant. I have done both of those things myself, and it sucked; other women's blogs were a neutral tool I put to evil use against myself. I want no part of the other end. That's not what I'm doing here. And truthfully, unless they plan to sleep with me themselves, the less his other lovers know about things like how I masturbate, say, the better.

For some reason this is different than knowing that the sisterwives could read me, back when they were sisterwives and not one supportive acquaintance and one goofy and loyal friend, as they are now; perhaps because I'd made it happen that I got to meet them both, perhaps because I could read their blogs as well and get to know what interesting and cool and human people they were and not feel so vulnerable and inadequate, perhaps because we were all in the same city together and had the same level of opportunity to see our mutual friend. Whereas I can't meet anyone MS is seeing until April, if then, I can't read his ladyfriends' blogs, if they have such, and...most important here...I can't see MS himself right now, and they can.

It's all so damn sticky and modern I can barely stand it.

So. Back to stories of bellydance and catering and the occasional prehistoric fish. Sorry. I'll try to keep it interesting, if maybe a little shallow.