Wednesday, December 10, 2003

I am now officially leaving my Jesus year


Tomorow is my birthday. Three-four. Not quite on the dowhill slope to forty and still getting carded, hallelujah.

This morning I made the mistake of thinking about where I'd been at this time last year. And remembered that I'd been anticipating going out to dinner and dancing with friends, and that E had said he might join us, and I was wearing my little pink top with the sparkles that was probably way too young for me then and dancing with abandon and joy... because I was in love with him already. As it happened, he didn't make it--I later found out that he was having an anxiety attack--but he called on my cell to wish me a happy, and the next night (which was really my birthday) he took me out to a totally lovely Italian dinner and we necked in the booth and I did not think I could contain everything I was feeling. As I wrote in my notebook this morning, on BART, with not enough sleep and too much sugar in me; "I thought that I was finally about to have the beautiful, intelligent, sensitive lover I had been looking for my entire adult life." It did not help that there was a boy on BART who looked like E, if a bit heavier, or that I am still a little viral and draining and the water is coming down out of the sky like it's got a quota to meet, or that Matt lost yesterday (but by a very narrow margin--Newsom had better watch his back), or any of the other things that were sticking in my craw. I don't think about him all the time any more, but every now and again I start thinking, am I going to spend the rest of my life looking for him?

I'm much better this evening, if soaked to the skin. Had a good modeling session this afternoon, for a class that was having its end of the semester party, so there were plenty of tasty snacks lying around unguarded. Found some good books at the library, including one about the effects of the Black Death on fourteenth-century European culture (what does it mean that such a book sounds like fun to me?) and several for the article I have coming up for Kitchen Sink. Had a great Jill class. Am counting down the days until I finally get a break, and can lay in bed for a few days reading and napping if I like.

Thirty-four. I'll know better tomorrow what that feels like. Trying not to get too caught up in everything I haven't accomplished by this time.